My pity party

It's pretty amazing to look back to last week's post and see how simple things were then compared to now. On Monday afternoon I ventured out of the house for the first time in three days to run a few errands. It was the first time in a long time that I'd been out of the house by myself and I was looking forward to getting a few things done. It was rainy so I was extra careful on the road since it was slick. I got out of my car to go into a store and as I was walking around to the back of my car to cross the parking lot, I slipped and broke my ankle in two places. The pain I felt in those first minutes was excrutiating. I spent several hours in the ER and then was sent to Labor & Delivery for observation. When we arrived in L&D I was having contractions every 1-2 minutes, likely due to Braxton Hicks or dehydration from not eating or drinking anything for hours in the ER. Thankfully over time the contractions subsided and baby girl looked great on the ultrasound and heart monitor. We spent the night there and came home the next morning. Our baby is fine and that's all that matters, but that doesn't change the fact that things right now are extremely difficult. The last two days have been a living hell and I don't know if that will change anytime soon. I found out today that I will have surgery on Friday to repair the displacement in my ankle. I'd prayed I could get by without it, but I will have long term problems if I don't get this fixed immediately. I'm very frustrated and angry, and I have to get these feelings out somehow. Being a listmaker by nature, that seems like the best format for getting out all of the things that are driving me nuts right now:

- I can't be home by myself. At 30, I now require a babysitter.
- It takes me and two other people to go anywhere outside the house. Getting to my doc appointment today involved Herculean physical efforts by me, Cam, and my mom.
- I can't put any weight on my right leg whatsoever. Found out today I won't be able to for six weeks. This is the most upsetting thing of all to me. I'm stuck like this for a long time, well after Claire arrives. I won't be able to walk my baby through the front door when she comes home from the hospital. I won't be able to walk across the room to pick her up when she cries for her first weeks of life. This is devastating and totally goes against every natural instinct I have as a mother.
- Every time I use the restroom, someone has to pull my underwear up and down for me, since I can't stand on my own. This is humiliating.
- I can't have general anaesthesia during my surgery on Friday because I'm pregnant. I'll have a spinal instead to numb me from the waist down. I'll be awake the entire time as they cut me open and put plates and screws into my ankle. This completely terrifies me and I'm afraid the anxiety may overtake me.
- After surgery I will have to start giving myself a daily shot to prevent a blood clot. Tricky part is I have to stop this medicine 18 hours before labor. For this reason, they'll likely induce at 39 weeks so we can know when to stop it. If I naturally go into labor before then, I can't have an epidural until it's been 18 hours since my last shot. There are small risks to taking these meds, but as my doctor bluntly stated today, "The odds of you developing a blood clot and dying are greater than the potential risks of these meds to the baby." Alrighty then.
- My body is so sore from learning to use crutches and laying in bed all the time.
- When I fell in a public parking lot, no one helped me. There was a man across the lot who saw me on the ground and did nothing. A car drove right past me and didn't stop. Talk about losing your faith in the kindness of strangers...
- All those pictures people take after baby's born will feature me in a big boot.
- All of the dreams and fantasies I've had since I was a little girl about what it would be like to give birth are all messed up now. I know all that matters is that Claire will be here, but it's just hard. There are so many little battles that have to be fought between now and then just to get through every day.
- My husband is so sad. He is hiding it and being so strong for us, but I can see sadness in his eyes and that just kills me.

I'm stopping there. My pain medicine's making it really hard to type and keep my eyes open. Sorry, I know this post is about as whiny as it gets but this is where I'm at right now and I just had to get it out...

Thank you for all the prayers.