38 Weeks

Total Weight Gain: Not sure because I can't get on a scale right now!

Size of Baby: Claire Campbell is the size of a pumpkin. That is so big!

Maternity Clothes: On occasion I wear a maternity shirt, but most of my clothes are pjs/t-shirts right now.

Sleep: AWFUL. I have insomnia. I think some of that is normal end of pregnancy insomnia because I'm uncomfortable, but it's being compounded by the ankle. About a week ago, I started to have this terrible sense of claustrophobia around 11 pm every night. I think it's the endless feeling of facing the long hours of the night stuck in bed after you've already been in bed all day. Between being so pregnant and wearing the boot, being comfortable is impossible. I finally got a decent 5 hour night of sleep yesterday night, but most nights are much worse. At least this is good practice for when Claire arrives and I'm up at night a lot! For now, I'm napping a lot during the day while I still can. 

Movement: Lots, especially at night!

Cravings: Pizza, Freebirds, and Salt & Peppers Chips. Also, I'm very blessed to have a ton of very generous coworkers, friends, and family who've been bringing us delicious meals. We've been eating really good!

What I Miss: Not having to go to the bathroom all the time. I think I'm probably the first person whose ever requested a catheter as soon as possible when I go in for my induction so that I don't have to crutch to the bathroom every 30 minutes with an IV and monitors wrapped around me. I also could really use a drink! 

Gender: Sweet baby girl - Claire Campbell Todd! I can't believe we will see her in just a week! Cam and I were talking today about how seeing her for the first time will truly be the best surprise of our entire lives! She is such a little blessing to us.

Mood: Oh Lord...don't get me started! I'm feeling excited, frustrated, nervous, grateful, resigned to my situation right now and also still mad as hell about it...it just depends on when you ask!

Symptoms: Going to the bathroom constantly, Braxton Hicks contractions every night, and pretty serious carpal tunnel. I wake up some mornings and can't even stretch my fingers out. The other day my mom handed me my niece and my wrist just gave out and didn't work. It's pretty scary when you can't depend on your hands and one of your legs. I'm not going to lie - I'm really looking forward to not being pregnant anymore...and it may take me awhile to work up the nerve to get pregnant again. Don't worry grandparents...I will!

Milestones: I can't believe I'm 38 weeks! 

Anything Else You'd Like to Share: I had my last doctor visit today! I'm a fingertip dilated (about 1/2 cm) and 50% effaced. Her head is way down too - my doctor felt it with her hand, which is just wild to me! All of this is really good because induction is easier if your body has already started the process of getting ready for labor. Dr. Orth said the contractions I'm having every night are helping this process along, even though they obviously haven't turned into real labor contractions yet. 

We'll check into the hospital next Tuesday at 6 pm to start Cervidil to soften my cervix overnight. Sometimes this is enough to start labor on its own. If not, they'll start Pitocin on Wednesday morning. After that, most babies arrive before 5 pm!

I'm ready but also very nervous. I'm terrified of a c-section - normally I wouldn't really be worrying about this, but I don't want to contend with two different incisions. More importantly, I've grown very dependent on my abs to do everything since I can't use my leg. I'm pretty much convinced there's no way I'll be able to get out of bed at all if I'm recovering from a c-section. Of course I'll do whatever we need to in order to get my girl here safely, but I know how essential being up and around as soon as possible is for a quick c-section recovery, so I'm just praying it doesn't come to that since I'm not really an "up and around" person at the moment!

I'm also nervous about the flu. It's so bad this year and can be very dangerous for infants. I think Claire will have some antibodies from me getting the flu shot, but it still frightens me. I just already feel this huge responsibility to protect this baby as much as possible. 

What I'm Looking Forward to: Meeting Claire Campbell Todd - we are so excited! I just can't wait to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her!

My best attempt at a bump picture...

Well I guess this will be my last weekly pregnancy update, since this time next we'll be in the hospital! It's been fun - thanks for reading along! I'm not sure how much I'll be able to post, but I hope to blog about Claire's growth and development on a regular basis!

Picture Time

Here's what's been going on the last few days, in picture form!

My sweet boys! I love them so much. Teddy is still definitely a puppy, but he is also maturing into the sweetest, most comforting dog ever. 

         

My Mom keeps my niece, Grace, during the day and is now staying with me during the day while Cam is at work. She is taking care of two babies. :) I'm getting to spend lots of quality time with Gracie! She is so cute and expressive! I like putting her in my headbands and making her smile. We've also been working on eating cheerios on our own. They'd been a little too small for her to get them into her own mouth, but today she ate two on her own!

 This is my what my ankle looked like when they took the boot and bandages off on Friday (1 week post surgery). I didn't really know what to expect, but it was not this. Can you say Frankenstein? When I saw it, I just kept thinking, "No wonder this hurts so bad when I have to de-elevate it to crutch to the bathroom!" My doctor pointed out that the bruising is worse than normal because I'm on blood thinners. Stitches are out now and my x-rays look nice and straight. Hopefully with time is will look less maimed. 

And since we're not already enough of a hot mess right now, our poor cat Aurora hurt her foot outside this weekend. One of her back feet has a small cut and she's limping, which makes us think she also twisted her foot somehow. It seems a bit better every day and she's begging us to let her outside, which of course we're not allowing since she can't walk normally. Poor Cam can't take one more person in his house getting injured. Needless to say, we've been spending lots of time resting together.

A Birthday-to-Be

We scheduled an induction for January 23rd. We'll go in the night before to start the process. We're so excited! It feels really, really good to have a plan and know when we'll be meeting our little girl. Of course, Claire could have a plan of her own and come early, but I have a feeling she'll stay put. My doctor tells me that every time she makes a plan for a delivery, the baby comes on their own, but we'll see! One of the best parts of this plan is that we know Dr. Orth is the doctor who will deliver Claire. This means a lot to us, especially given everything that has happened in the last couple weeks and the blood thinner situation. It will be really nice not to have to explain this situation to a new doctor. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked what in the world happened to me when I'm out in public. It's not fun.

We found out today that Cam will be able to be off work with us for a week and a half, which is amazing! I'll need all the help I can get and of course we want that special bonding time together with our girl. I've been happier and more upbeat today than I've been in two weeks. I can't wait to lay eyes on the little lady I've been carrying around since last Spring!

Thanks to an amazing amount of help from my wonderful Mom and Sister, our hospital bags are packed and all the baby's clothes and blankets have been washed and put away. Now that we have an induction date, I've set up someone to come clean our house beforehand and scheduled newborn pictures for the week after she arrives. Our glider and ottoman finally came in yesterday, so once the rain dries up Cam will go pick it up. He'll also finish the mural in her room this weekend. It is going to be awesome!

I'll see my surgeon tomorrow and am really looking forward to the visit. He should take my stitches out and I'll get to spend at least a few precious minutes without the boot on for the first time in a week. My foot is placed in the boot at a complete upright 90 degree angle, which feels totally unnatural. I'm hoping I get a good report. Cam bought a shower transfer bench and a detachable shower head today and I just used them. They make bathing so much easier! I haven't been able to shower a lot since I broke my ankle and when I did, we were using a card table chair and trying to figure out the best way to do it. There's a huge metal lip you have to step over to get in and out of the shower and this little obstacle, among other things, led me to pretty much have a panic attack each time - I'm not exaggerating. The fear of falling again and hurting my baby or myself again can be completely overpowering. But all you can do is take things one step at a time and have faith. God has faithfully protected me and Claire so far and I know he we will continue to do that. Oddly enough, I'm watching the movie Signs right now on TV as I type. It's one of my favorite movies ever. While it might seem like a strange little movie about aliens, the true underlying message is one of faith in the face of fear and that's what makes me love it. 

Happy weekend to all my people! 

37 Weeks

I'd almost talked myself out of doing these updates anymore given the ankle situation, but I finally decided I'd regret it later if I didn't document the final stretch. It's very hard to differentiate between what's a pregnancy symptom vs. an ankle/surgery symptom right now, but here goes nothing.

Total Weight Gain: Considering I'm sporting a boot that weighs about 10 pounds round the clock and I can't stand up, no more weight checks for me. I'd imagine I'm still close to 30 lbs gained though. 

Size of Baby: Claire is the size of a wintermelon. At her impromptu New Years Eve ultrasound, her weight estimate was about 6 lbs, 7 ounces. By the way, hospital ultrasounds are a huge letdown! The tech was as quiet as a statue, wouldn't give any feedback, and the screen was out of my view so I got nothing from it! Mind you this was after I fell, so this was not just a fun ultrasound. It was done to make sure things with the baby looked alright after I fell, so I was just laying there crying through some of it since the tech was so silent. My sister, mom, and Cam watched over his shoulder and thought everything looked fine, but we didn't get official confirmation on that for hours until after a radiologist read it and transmitted the info to my doctor. The next time I see this little chick-a-dee better be in the flesh!

Maternity Clothes: Not really. I don't really wear normal clothes anymore. I wear huge t-shirts and loose comfortable shorts/pants - whatever fits over the boot. They almost had to cut my beloved maternity jeans off in the hospital because of the gigantic splint I had initially, but thank goodness my sassy L&D nurse quashed that idea quick, so my pants were saved. Thank the Lord for small mercies. I'll probably never get to wear them again this pregnancy anyway. :(

Sleep: Last Saturday night, I slept normally for the first time since my fall. I woke up every two hours, but I did sleep deeply. For the days before that, I did this weird "half asleep but still conscious" sleeping, probably brought on by the medication.

Movement: She moves a lot and she's huge so it's very noticeable! I feel a lot of stuff way up high or way down low, so sometimes I can't tell if it's movement or contractions.

Cravings: Mashed potatoes

What I Miss: Where do I begin? I'll start with the trivial. I miss my real wedding rings. My fake eternity band from Banana Republic is a good substitute, but there's just nothing like real bling. Right now I watch everyone's hands to see their wedding rings and I covet them, just like I did before we got engaged. I also covet everyone else's ability to just get up and walk around like it's nothing! I'm so jealous. I miss a lot of things right now because of my ankle, but I'll stop there.

Gender: Our sweet baby daughter - Claire Campbell Todd. She is truly my saving grace right now. It is extremely scary to face delivering and caring for our first baby while immobilized, but if I was facing this ankle situation without having her arrival to look forward to, I would be very depressed right now. 

Mood: Changes all the time. I'm excited she's coming soon and still very sad that I won't be able to be in the physical condition I want to be in when she arrives. I'm dealing with a lot of bitterness over this situation. I'm willing to lose six weeks (or more) of mobility some other time in my life, but right now is such an important time and it just feels like a nightmare. It breaks my heart that I'll spend part of my maternity leave recovering from this injury. It's not how this was supposed to be at all and I hate that. Don't get me wrong though - I'm extremely determined and persistent, and I will be doing everything I would be doing for her if I could walk, I'll just do it from my bed. We're going to snuggle a lot! I can't allow myself to face the whole big picture of how we will make this work - it's too overwhelming and makes me cry. All I can do is face it one day at a time. 

Symptoms: Carpal tunnel (makes using my hands for crutches even more of an adventure!), Braxton Hicks contractions that generally go away if I drink water, sore all over all the time, and hot, hot, hot! The only place I really go anymore is doctor's offices and I always wind up sweating like a hog and having to take off my sweater because I get so hot. Poor Cam is living like an eskimo.

Milestones: We've officially made it to full term! That's pretty amazing! Also, I'm officially on maternity leave...with no baby. I can't work because of this ankle injury, but that should be it's own separate leave and should not count against my maternity leave, but my school district doesn't see it that way. Yet another reason I will NEVER teach again after this year. 

Anything Else You'd Like to Share: I went for my 37 week appointment today. Everything with the baby looks good! The doctor decided not to check my cervix today, but is going to when I come in next week. We are in the process of scheduling an induction for two weeks from now because of the blood thinner medication I'm on. We have to figure some stuff out with Cam's work schedule and then we'll have a date set. I'm excited and can't believe it's so close! I really hope I'll be in much better shape by then in terms of my recovery, as I'm going to need my strength. I really hope I don't end up having a c-section. I have no fear of the procedure itself, as my surgery last week was the exact same process I'd go through if I had one except the operation was different, but I really don't want to be dealing with two different incisions at once, if at all possible. 

On an unrelated note, I must vent! I'd recently gotten really obsessed with reading the January 2013 Birth Club message boards on Baby Center's website to see what other women due around the same time were going through. I tried to read it recently after everything happened and I became so furious I had to close the page. So much whining about being uncomfortable and experiencing standard end of pregnancy symptoms. It just made me mad. I know I'd be just like them if I hadn't broken my ankle, but their "problems" sound very trivial to me compared to the issues I'm dealing with right now. I had to sign consent for an emergency c-section just in case they had to deliver my daughter unexpectedly on the operating table while they put a plate in my ankle last week. Instead of snuggling and enjoying our last few weeks alone, my husband has to inject me with blood thinners in my abdomen every day. Yes, I'm aware I sound very bitter. I will never ever take my health and mobility for granted again after all of this is over. 

What I'm Looking Forward to: Meeting my girl and forgetting everything else. I can't wait to see what she looks like!

No more bump pictures folks. I have no desire to document my appearance right now...believe me, I'm doing you a favor.

Monday Randoms

Well it's been 1 week since I broke my ankle and 3 days since my surgery. I'm getting used to my new normal. The pain on Friday night was terrible - by far the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. Every day since then has been better, which is encouraging. Today I'm starting to try to take less pain medicine and stretch doses out over longer periods of time and that's leading to more pain, so we'll see how it goes. Meds or not, it still hurts like hell when I put my leg down to get out of bed and go to the restroom - hopefully that will get better with time. I swear I can feel the metal in my ankle and that freaks me out! I haven't left my bedroom since Friday afternoon and the only times I've gotten up have been to go to my bathroom. That might sound depressing, but I'm determined not to push myself too hard right now, especially this first week while everything is still setting from the surgery and stitches are still in. Plus, at 37 week pregnant, I just don't feel like doing much. Cam and my Dad installed railings in our bathroom yesterday that have been absolutely life changing for me. They're just like the ones at the hospital. I can now stand up and sit down to go to the bathroom on my own, although someone still has to be right there in case I fall. If you had told me a week ago that something like bathroom railings for the elderly would make me this happy, I would've thought you were crazy, but alas, this is my new normal. Sometimes I see pictures of myself before this happened and wonder if I will ever be like that again...can you say dramatic much? But it is hard to have your whole life change so fast and lose all your independence in an instant.

I'll be 37 weeks on Wednesday...full term! I'll go see Dr. Orth that day. We were originally scheduled to have a growth ultrasound, but it's canceled since I had one in the hospital on New Years Eve and insurance won't cover another one this soon. Claire's estimated weight was 6 lbs, 8 ounces then. At this upcoming appointment, we will probably schedule an induction for 39 weeks. This is because of the blood thinning shots I'm getting every day. It's not safe to go into labor unless I've been off this medicine for a certain number of hours, so we need to be able to control when I go into labor. It's exciting and crazy that we may know Claire's birthday soon! Please don't tell me any induction horror stories - I know people can be very opinionated about inducing, but this is medically necessary. I know it may make for a rough labor, but there's no way to know that. Plus, after all that's happened, it will really be easier to just know how this is all going to go down! 

Unfortunately my school district is screwing me over on my maternity leave. Even though this ankle injury is clearly a separate event than having the baby, I'm having to start my maternity leave now, meaning I'll lose time with the baby after she's born since I'll have to go back to work three weeks sooner than I'd planned to. It's really disappointing, but not surprising - unfortunately, they never miss an opportunity to screw people over. The way that America handles maternity leave is absolutely insane compared to the rest of the world! Anyway, so given my leave situation and the fact that I'm nearly full term, part of me wants to go into labor really soon so I lose less time with the baby at home, but the other, more practical side of me knows I need to heal more from my surgery. Saturday night I thought there was a small chance I could be feeling the beginnings of labor (I wasn't!) and I was excited but also scared! While that obviously wasn't the real thing, I've definitely been having more contractions - I think they're mostly Braxton Hicks and needing more water? There's nothing more ironic than being this pregnant and needing to drink lots of water, but not being able to freely go to the bathroom. Someday I'll look back and laugh, but not yet!  I have a feeling Claire will stay put until she's induced, but she could have a plan of her own!

Thankful

My surgery this morning went well. Claire & I held up fine and everything went as planned. I went in with a lot of fear and dread and have never felt such relief as I did when they wheeled me out of the operating room. I will not sugarcoat things - ever since the spinal block wore off, I've been in the worst pain I've ever experienced. When we got home, I writhed around in pain for hours. But I'm proud to say that our little girl is such a fighter - I could hear her heartbeat on the monitor during the entire surgery - it was like a lifeline to me and such a comfort. Apparently she moved the entire surgery! I'm so proud of her - not many babies come into the world already having made it through a surgery!

My last post was my pity party. I'm sure there will be others - this is a long road and not a day has gone by yet where I haven't cried due to pain or fear. But today I want to focus on what I'm thankful for.

- My iPod. It got me through the surgery when I felt nauseous and when I heard the doctor hammering pins into my ankle.

- An amazing nurse who held my hand during the scary parts.

- My Campbell, who has never wavered in his support for me. Real love is not just being there for someone when they're pretty, thin, and healthy. Real love is someone willing to pick you up when you can't lift yourself and waking up at 3 am to take care of you when you're hurting. I couldn't have dreamed up a better husband. 

- My mother, who has literally dropped everything to take care of me. I can't even begin to describe all that she has done for us. She is selfless.

- My daddy, who rubbed my head before surgery when I was nervous and is always such an encourager to me and everyone else around him.

- My sister, who always makes me laugh and looks at me with a knowing look that says, "I understand how you feel." She went through a ton of surgeries before she was even a teenager and she's my hero.

- My in-laws, who drove through terrible weather from Houston to be with us today. Their presence lifted our spirits so much. After taking care of me for a week, Cam needed his parents to take care of him, and it did him so much good.

- Family and friends who checked on me and sent well wishes.

- Elena and Theo who sent yummy cookies to brighten my day. Elena knows sugar is my love language!

- Our pets. Aurora the cat lays in bed with me all the time and is my furry nurse companion. Teddy the puppy's sweet eyes make me feel better, always.

- Our comfortable home. If this had happened a year ago, we would've been in a tiny apartment and I would have lost my mind in this situation. 

- Hydrocodon. I feel so fortunate that there are safe options for pain management during pregnancy.

- A hospital staff that I have so much confidence in. I am a worrier and a bit of a control freak. I struggle with trusting people to do the right thing when I'm not able to watch them - crazy, I know. As I laid on the operating table today and watched a team of people around me, each efficiently buzzing around with their own designated task, I knew that I could close my eyes, drift in and out of sleep, and be taken care of by good, capable people.

- Good health insurance. My surgery today cost close to $15,000, not including any doctor's fees, radiology, etc. The portion of that we have to pay is not cheap, but it's relatively small compared to the total.

- My bed. It's my rest area, work space, and comfort zone right now. I love it. 

And if you're reading this, I'm thankful for you! Nothing is easy right now, but I'm very blessed. Have a wonderful weekend and be safe!

My pity party

It's pretty amazing to look back to last week's post and see how simple things were then compared to now. On Monday afternoon I ventured out of the house for the first time in three days to run a few errands. It was the first time in a long time that I'd been out of the house by myself and I was looking forward to getting a few things done. It was rainy so I was extra careful on the road since it was slick. I got out of my car to go into a store and as I was walking around to the back of my car to cross the parking lot, I slipped and broke my ankle in two places. The pain I felt in those first minutes was excrutiating. I spent several hours in the ER and then was sent to Labor & Delivery for observation. When we arrived in L&D I was having contractions every 1-2 minutes, likely due to Braxton Hicks or dehydration from not eating or drinking anything for hours in the ER. Thankfully over time the contractions subsided and baby girl looked great on the ultrasound and heart monitor. We spent the night there and came home the next morning. Our baby is fine and that's all that matters, but that doesn't change the fact that things right now are extremely difficult. The last two days have been a living hell and I don't know if that will change anytime soon. I found out today that I will have surgery on Friday to repair the displacement in my ankle. I'd prayed I could get by without it, but I will have long term problems if I don't get this fixed immediately. I'm very frustrated and angry, and I have to get these feelings out somehow. Being a listmaker by nature, that seems like the best format for getting out all of the things that are driving me nuts right now:

- I can't be home by myself. At 30, I now require a babysitter.
- It takes me and two other people to go anywhere outside the house. Getting to my doc appointment today involved Herculean physical efforts by me, Cam, and my mom.
- I can't put any weight on my right leg whatsoever. Found out today I won't be able to for six weeks. This is the most upsetting thing of all to me. I'm stuck like this for a long time, well after Claire arrives. I won't be able to walk my baby through the front door when she comes home from the hospital. I won't be able to walk across the room to pick her up when she cries for her first weeks of life. This is devastating and totally goes against every natural instinct I have as a mother.
- Every time I use the restroom, someone has to pull my underwear up and down for me, since I can't stand on my own. This is humiliating.
- I can't have general anaesthesia during my surgery on Friday because I'm pregnant. I'll have a spinal instead to numb me from the waist down. I'll be awake the entire time as they cut me open and put plates and screws into my ankle. This completely terrifies me and I'm afraid the anxiety may overtake me.
- After surgery I will have to start giving myself a daily shot to prevent a blood clot. Tricky part is I have to stop this medicine 18 hours before labor. For this reason, they'll likely induce at 39 weeks so we can know when to stop it. If I naturally go into labor before then, I can't have an epidural until it's been 18 hours since my last shot. There are small risks to taking these meds, but as my doctor bluntly stated today, "The odds of you developing a blood clot and dying are greater than the potential risks of these meds to the baby." Alrighty then.
- My body is so sore from learning to use crutches and laying in bed all the time.
- When I fell in a public parking lot, no one helped me. There was a man across the lot who saw me on the ground and did nothing. A car drove right past me and didn't stop. Talk about losing your faith in the kindness of strangers...
- All those pictures people take after baby's born will feature me in a big boot.
- All of the dreams and fantasies I've had since I was a little girl about what it would be like to give birth are all messed up now. I know all that matters is that Claire will be here, but it's just hard. There are so many little battles that have to be fought between now and then just to get through every day.
- My husband is so sad. He is hiding it and being so strong for us, but I can see sadness in his eyes and that just kills me.

I'm stopping there. My pain medicine's making it really hard to type and keep my eyes open. Sorry, I know this post is about as whiny as it gets but this is where I'm at right now and I just had to get it out...

Thank you for all the prayers.